Where The News Stops and "Reality" Starts...I Smell Oprah...

Second news story today I have seen that blurs the line between what is real, and what is "reality". Seems the little kid that was "missing" after he supposedly was whisked away in his daddy's hot air balloon, that the whole world and internet followed on CNN, Twitter, ABCBSNBCFOX.......etc, as choppers were scrambled, and the stories of how he stowed away in first, the balloon, then in a revised story by his brother, in a box attached to the balloon, all the while the kid was hiding in the family's attic.
Now on the surface, this all looked like a newsworthy story didn't it?
.......But Wait! This same family was recently one of the two featured families in the low rent network farce "Wife Swap"........... Some people apparently just aren't content with a single "fifteen minutes of fame", so to speak. Does anyone else doubt that these camera hog hams will be front and center on GMA, and the other morning shows tomorrow?

Maybe that smell wasn't Oprah after all......could have just as easily been Wolf Blitzer, or Larry King...........

On the other hand, as I sit here unemployed and going through my savings and retirement, I suddenly realize, that I am only one goofy ass story away from being front page news, and all the networks beating my door down, and offering me cash for crap. Whaddya think......dirty laundry? a UFO story? maybe a story about how George W. and I shot pool and smoked weed and did tequila shooters way back when in Midland.

Yer Doin' a Heckuva Job Obammy......er........ Me

Did I miss something? Is there an interim unscheduled election coming up? What the hell is Obama doing in New Orleans, yanking off the populace there? Uh, I faintly recall a hurricane there back in what was it, 2005? Let's face it. A dirty city that needed a good flushing, got just that. Get over it, and put away your tin cups, and get on with your lives. I challenge you to go to the Rita ravaged Golden Triangle today and see how many Texans are standing around with their hands out. Or better yet, come to Galveston next summer, and enjoy the surf, or the fishing, or the dining or a show at the opera House, but don't look for Fema folks doling out cash still.

I went through Audrey, Carla, Beulah, Celia, Alicia, Allison, and Ike, to name just a few. Funny, back in those days, I never heard the word FEMA. I saw lots of churches and Boy Scout Troops, and a lot more of neighbors helping each other, and pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and getting on with life, despite all of God's little speed bumps. What I did not see, was any Texans crying for Federal handouts, wasting said handouts on flat screen TVs instead of an repaired home, nor did I see a bunch of scam artists, (including guv'mint payrolled officials) trying to make a quick buck from the money the rest of us paid in taxes that ended up in the hands of those crooks.

I hear where Obama is due in College Station tomorrow. Something tells me that unless he has sold tickets to a pre-determined, select group there, he may get a bit of a different reception among the corpsmen, and salt of the earth ranchers and farmers, than he got in the Wards of NOLA.

Your WHAT Exploded? Oh, Your Water Balloons.....

Okay, this is where I get to do my George Carlin skit.....Tits, ta-tas, jugs, boobs, funbags, knockers......and my personal favorite name, which I bestowed on my ex's puppies, "lefty and big boy"....... Now how often do I get to lead into a story with such descriptive language?

Now that I have sent the children asking mom what I'm talking about, and causing said moms to blush and try to compose themselves, I'll attempt to grab a gut full of stick and pull back hard and see if I can climb out of this dive. I will apologize and explain up front, that I just used the words for an attention getter, and that I am not a breast man.....despite the fact that in the late seventies and early eighties, I was the first one to turn down the A/C or pray for a good norther. How times(and styles) change....That said, this may be as a shock to many of you, but this is not a sexual story, but rather a medical one. One thing is for certain, had this blog appeared in the Advocate, it would already be on the cutting room floor, don't you think?

Okay, time to get down to business......if that is even possible after the lead in paragraph.

There is a story on the news channels today that I caught a bit of early, regarding a woman who upon diving(a belly/boob flopper actually, I later discovered), complained of severe pain and once transported to the hospital, discovered that her breast implants had ruptured upon impact with the surface of the water after leaping from a cliff. Now I don't know about you, but to me, this gal was apparently the victim of a dad who never allowed her to play with water balloons, and also apparently managed to be absent on some critical days in both her middle school physical science and high school physics classes. Duh. Let's face it, while there are undoubtedly some reasons after say a radical mastectomy, that a woman would choose to undergo reconstructive surgery including implants, this one was simply a case of vanity and stupidity combined. I learned in a follow-up report, that the gal was appearing in one of those skin or skin tight reality obstacle course shows when this incident took place. This story, pretty much reflects in my opinion, the inflated and superficial society that we have come to accept as normal of late.

I for one, will be the first to admit that my head can be turned by the sight of a healthy and attractive woman, be she eighteen or seventy eight. Just ask either of my first two wives...... But I will say that despite the accepted fact that men don't make eye contact with women because "breasts don't have eyes".....and that whether you are one who is attracted to massive Morganna mammaries, or one who is of the of the old school thinking that anything more than a mouth full is a waste, society in general puts way too much emphasis on aesthetics and on the perfect female(or male) body being of a certain shape and size. In the long run, what it does is contribute to some serious self esteem issues with a lot of beautiful girls and women and create a false industry of consumers who pay billions of dollars for promises of a skinnier waist, bigger boobs, or a longer thicker pecker, when in fact, what God gave all of us, is quite sufficient, and actually just what someone out there would be happy to see on their partner.........

It ain't about how much you paid for the tools......It's about how much you have learned about how to get the most out of them.

Calendars Have Their Place......I Guess

sorry - I don't post many of these of late, and while I rag on my girl for her amazing organizational skills, in particular, her obsessive (by my bayrat - use the sunrise and sunset method) attention to her calendar, this came in an e-mail from an old Advocate reader and frequent contributor, David Yzaguirre, by way of my pal the Grey-Beard Loon.....After I quit laughing, I felt it my duty to share........

Lemon Tree Very Pretty - A Pup Tale

My gal pal came trudging in from work this afternoon, with a stack of pizzas and cheese garlic bread for us and the boys, and with a cute story that I couldn't help but share......
My pal the Grey-Beard Loon and his gal, are like I and probably some of you, in that animals just seem to find US.....knowwhutimean? They are parenting two such canine critters these days, after convincing my gal and I that we should come up and adopt one that appeared in between the two they currently have(it's all in how you look at it as far as who owns who with dogs, now isn't it?) Anyway, the one we drove down to fetch, was one furry friend too much for either of us, so she was destined to live with my gal pal's folks, who were just recently coping with an empty nest after the passing of their beloved pup of many years. The timing was good I think - for all.....particularly the pup, who was fending for herself on a sparsely inhabited four mile stretch of coastal road on the Intracoastal Canal, when rescued by Herself, in the course of fulfilling her duties as a U.S. Census taker. looking back now, I know we were likely under the wire by about an hour tops, as to when the Old Loon would have not given a thought to parting with her, but as it turned out, the little thing has blossomed in her new home. I am sure after scrounging for road kill and dodging $50k pickups hellbound for the launching ramp with $equally priced boat$ in tow, that landing in suburbia in the shadows of NASA in the loving company of a couple equally as sweet and kind as the lady and gent who rescued her, was just the beginning of a puppy dream come true. I mean obedience school, toys, chewies, you name it.....what more could a dog want???

Okay, I'll tell you. For all of the balls and toys I am sure she had at her disposal, imagine her delight yesterday, when she discovered her new dad's "ball tree".....er make that his prize little Myers Lemon tree, with this year's crop of maybe a half dozen.....max, prize lemons. Tennis ball sized and also in appearance, I can only close my eyed and imagine that little Carly wishing she had a thumb and opposing forefinger, to both pinch herself for her amazing discovery, and maybe to pick the ball....er, fruit from the tree.

Now this is where it will get a little dicey for the little dear. You see, dad is in Africa on business, and mom has now to both protect the remaining crop of "balls" - er, lemons on his prized tree, plus the added chore I'd assume of plea bargaining the little sweet pup's case down a notch or two when dad returns.........a dog's life. Like I asked earlier - who owns who? Who follows who around and cleans up their poop? Whose bowl is always full of food and water? Most of us could handle some of that I think..........

Barney Fife Editing......(Mr. Cobler)

Labeling some small town cops scratching their head, saying "they don't want to come out, whaddya think we oughta do now"?, as a standoff or anything remotely resembling a standoff, speaks volumes about your editor's reasoning when he swings the axe on the forums.......

One of the core values of journalism is accountability," he said. "We wanted to learn more about how to engage readers online while remaining true to the core values of journalism." So banning dissenting viewpoints, and deleting comments you don't agree with, is what you learned in the process of "how to engage readers"? Where is the accountability in that?

If anyone seems reluctant or fearful of attending the town hall meeting, I would suggest that it is those you have coddled and protected from being held accountable for their words, by deleting and banning other readers of longer tenure and more prone to think their words through. They know that to come out in public, they run the risk of being put on the spot in a place where you can't offer them your protective "editing" expertise.

And Now a Bay Rat Story........

......to show I am not a complete militant hard ass ,only on a mission bent on derailing Advocate management. I took a two day break from looking at the grim reaper in my rearview mirror, chewing up my unemployment and 401k as I struggle to find gainful employment. Just had to get out of the city, and feel some salt air. I had a wonderful dinner with the Grey-Beard Loon and his gal and their canine menagerie, and was briefed by herself on the inner-workings of the latest incarnation of my old hometown city/county politics. I didn't ask their take, or share mine, but in my opinion, it all seems a bit more citified, and a lot less bubbafied than I recall it being........either way, it was a fine evening of socializing, lacking only my hard working gal pal being present to add the perfect complement to the evening. 'Twas also a welcome diversion from a troubling afternoon with my own folks. Mom's Alzheimers, has become advanced to the point that it is really heartbreaking to us "kids", and a burden on my dad, requiring some serious soul searching and decision making on our part. I never would have imagined, given her full of piss and vinegar, powerhouse personality, as recently as a year or so ago, how quickly it could all come crashing down. We are resolved to make it all work out, and deal with it, so if you pray, pray for her and for us.

Today, while my sweet sister took mom to her doctor's appointment, I got a rare chance to hit the bay alone in my old boat, and rocket about for an hour or so, getting some pounding by the rough water, and some muddy salt spray in my face and hair. It is a far cry from the thundering forty foot crewboat, with it's array of lights and radar and squawking marine radio I remember as a young man, but it was still a day on the water. That is always good for the soul.........